I've been in the process of a deep personal experience for a long while now, allowing the many parts of myself that are no longer alive to drop off, like dead leaves falling from a tree. I have been letting go, and letting go, and letting go some more. I feel stripped bare, down to my bones, past my bones, and even further still.

I am not new to revisioning myself, and changing what I do in the world, it is part of my nature and I have learned to accept that every few years I will clear the way and start anew…but this time I feel that I have gone beyond my usual state of renewal, beyond just being revisioned, beyond having deeply transformed. This time I feel like I have come to the beginning of myself again.

In so many, many ways, and on so many levels it feels surprising and strange to be here. And while this journey has been incredibly challenging, and painful, and filled with many stops and starts, and I have shed many tears of frustration, I am starting to feel hopeful about being here, in this beginning place, and looking back I can see that this journey has left clues for me to understand that it has been entirely worth it.

In my book, You Are Woman, You Are Divine, I wrote about the Garden of Eden from the perspectives of both Lilith and Eve, one garden a place that was filled with vibrant, beautiful light and the beginnings of all life, and the other a place of death, decay, mysterious darkness, and endings. In reality all gardens have both life and death within them, and these things play out cyclically as nature flows from one to the other, over and over. The grandness of Nature itself is a macrocosm that guides us to look for how it is mirrored within our own personal life, the microcosm.

I am very familiar with, and adore following the grander cycles of Nature; the seasons, the stars, the planets and the moon…and I follow along with them easily, flowing without question, resistance or upset, however when these cycles play out within my own life, such as when I am in a state of extended pause and stillness, as if I were a dark moon, or a winter season, I am often not comfortable. It is difficult for me to give myself permission to simply flow…with my self. This is where the treasure lies though, this is the secret of the secret, and the wisdom of wisdom, to flow with your self.

I cannot promise that flowing with one's self will be easy, or beautiful, or enjoyable, for you will be traveling along the hidden, secret, underside of things, and the underside of things, like stones, like fallen leaves, like bark on the forest floor are never pretty, or perfect or lovely, for this is the side of nature not meant for loveliness, but rather for decaying, decomposing, and becoming mostly nothing just before becoming really something.

Transformation is always so unlovely before it is really beautiful.

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